One of the reasons I broke up with my high school boyfriend, among many I'm sure, but an important one because it has stuck in my mind was something about love. (I'm not sure if I've told anyone this before actually) It wasn't that I didn't love him, or didn't love him anymore, because I did, and I hurt my own heart by breaking up with him... but instead it was that I was sure, I was positive, that I could love someone else more, and more importantly - that someone else could love ME more.
So then life goes on. And you live and you learn and while it seems like so long ago it's not really, but you realize that 16-year-old first love is different and probably always will be different than grown-up not-quite-so-innocent love is. And I find myself questioning that 18-year-old breaking up thought I had and wondering why and wondering if it was real and wondering where am i now in light of that? I love Adam, but the love is so different than it was then. And the 'love more' in my mind was an ultimate, everything, perfect, idealistic love... not a normal, day-to-day life, love...
A light came on this weekend - just like one of those cartoon light bulbs floating above your head.
I can love more. And I can be loved more. I am.
By My Lord. Abba. Father. Savior. Messiah.
I was trying to create a perfect love in a human relationship. What a huge amount of pressure that is for a a human person. I will never love perfectly, and I will never be loved perfectly - by another human. We're imperfect beings, we just are. We fail. We screw up. We're not perfect so why do we think we can love perfectly? We can't. And if we put all of our everything into someone who will fail us, we're so terribly confused... (not saying we shouldn't love, just saying love won't save us)
If I can be loved by God then I'm fully, perfectly, loved. I'm comfortable and I'm confident. And I'm free to take that perfect, unfailing, love and just let myself love others, and let myself be loved by others. The underlying pressure isn't there. We're free.
I love that.
posted by yellowgirl @ 10:15 PM
2 Comments:
It's interesting that at 18 you'd have the foresight to think that maybe this isn't enough. A lot of people in that position don't and then realize it way too late.
i never knew that was one of the reasons you broke up with andy. interesting.
i love this post & the way you wrote it. it's fabulous!
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