lost friendships

there are a few friendships i've lost for some reason other than just life drifting us apart...

The drifting apart friendships are never really lost either, but rather, they seem to eventually drift back together at different points, whether it be proximity or that our life phases are somehow matching up again.

The others, the ones lost by other reasons, of those only one was truly a choice. It was a realization that i just couldn't do it anymore and that she really didn't care to. I read a forward from her and knew that if i couldn't have real contact with her then I didn't want any at all, no forwards, no emails and no 'updates' from mutual friends. Then i emailed her back and told her. That was the end of it. I still remember where i was sitting and what computer i was using.

The others have been lost, mostly out of guilt. It's a silly reason.

There are those mutual friends of that first person, who i wouldn't mind talking to, and would like to know how they are, but have always figured they would just automatically give me updates on her and therefore i can't bring myself to dial the number i have and call them back. Even though i've saved the voicemail for over six months. Now it's been so long i don't know if i can call back if i do get the courage.

there's one who asked me for a favor, it was in the middle of moving packing figuring out life and reconnecting with the boyfriend-now-fiance and i just couldn't / or really didn't choose to make the time to do the favor. Then so much time passed that when i remembered it it'd been so long, too long? Then i lost his number.

There's one who was a really good friend, i was in her wedding. Probably the most fun wedding i've even been too. I forgot to call her when i said i would. then she left me a message and i forgot to call back. So much time passed again, than i felt guilty even thinking about calling back.

I screwed up. I was selfish. I put myself and my time above those relationships, i could have made the time but I choose not to for whatever reason, not really realizing i choose not to until later...when i felt bad for doing so. Now, thinking about my wedding and my friendships... out of those five people i went to one wedding, took photos for one, and was a bridesmaid in one. I want them to at least know that now I'M getting married, at most...come to the wedding.

But how do i call? I feel like i'd have to apologize profusely. Will they forgive me for just plain neglience on my part? for just being flighty and dumb? I don't know how to approach it or how to do the friendship anymore and so I continue to avoid, continue to think that i'll do it 'when the right moment comes'.

I hate that i do things like this, cancel plans, don't call back, don't do something i promised... I hate it especially because i think it's so important not to do, especially because i try to be so aware of it and so cautious not to do it, that when i do I'm not sure what to do next.

I can make excuses, i can look back and tell you why i truly made that decision - it's never a decision against someone, it's just an in-the-moment decision of i want to do this-now and i dont think about anything else. It's not a good reason, and simply apologizing never feels like it'll cut it.

I don't want to loose more friendships this way. And i'm realizing that it'll take more effort than before because it's not just choosing my priorities, but learning the balance between his priorities and my priorities, and I'm tempted to put his first because i think that's what i should do. But mine are important. And i have to figure out how to re-order them.