refresh.

i miss God.

Why is it that the Christmas season, in spite of the fact that it's about Christ, is the time that i get further away from Him? I get busy, as does everyone else, Bible Studies and Church Activities get put on hold for three weeks, and so does my relationship with God. In the midst of just trying to keep up with everything going on, plus having to still keep the house clean and get my work done, i forget about spending time with God.

And i miss it. I miss HIM.

Life without God is so unfulfilling, and it's so tiring pretending that it is fulfilling. It's tiring pretending that I'm completely happy, when true happiness - no, the better word is JOY, complete, utterly fulfilling JOY - can only happen in the daily presence of God. I've experienced it, so why is it so easy for me to get so far away from it?

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not saying i'm literally rejecting God, I'm not saying I'm living without believing or without God having a place in my life at all. I'm saying that I'm living that mediocre Christianity that so many of us find it easy to live. Believe, but don't give God first place. Go to Church, give money sometimes - out of 'duty' - but don't actually get involved. Love, but only love those close, saying you love others but not showing it. (what is love anyway? Is it really love if you don't live it, act it out, share it with others?)

Selfishness and the mindless day-to-day acts of 1) getting work done to make money and 2) finding ways to entertain myself - are wearing me out. There is so much more to life that this. I fear that our culture is creating a world in which people can't begin to understand that there IS more, and worse - that even if they understand it they can't grasp what 'more' possibly could consist of.

So anyway, my point is that I miss God.

I miss spending morning with Him. Drinking my coffee and reading my Bible - with the aid of my commentary and a notepad to help me understand what I'm reading. I miss learning something new about Him from that reading and then spending time in prayer, pure uninterrupted conversation with Him. I miss spending time seeking after Him with my heart, and seeking after what He might have in store for my life.

I wish i could say, in this depth of what I'm missing, that I'm making a resolution to go back to daily time with Him.

But I can't, because I know me. I know that if I make a resolution I will break it. In a very bad comparison - it's like exercise, I know how good it makes me feel but yet I still can't quite bring myself to do it.

And so, I'll just leave it that I miss Him. And in my missing - He's pulling at my heartstrings and giving me gentle reminders that He's waiting for me - I hope to be drawn back to God in a deeper way than I have ever before.